Weddings make people crazy.[1] The reasons why are varied but the biggest is that weddings are a huge transition. Oh, sure. You can tell yourself over and over that it's different these days--and it is to a degree. But there are certain things that are rooted deep, and there's no avoiding them. That is, unless you've been raised in a totally different culture. I can only speak from my experience as an American and maybe even just an ex-Catholic American raised in a traditional household. No matter how much I rebelled against it, certain things cropped up. Some of them I wasn't prepared for and in the end I had to just ride it out. For the bride, weddings are a transition from a single young woman to adult wife. It seems so obvious on the surface, but there's a lot more to it. It's a significant change. For me, it felt like going from someone that got noticed to someone who became invisible overnight. For a week, it was this odd transitive state. When I got home from our honeymoon I felt like someone had died. It was as if I were a ghost. I wanted to grieve, and I couldn't explain why. I'd married exactly the man I felt I should've. I never once had any doubts in that arena--well, not for longer than five minutes. (We're still very happy together and catch hell for it sometimes.) All I knew was that I'd gone from a person with potential to someone whose future was set. It was hard until I found a book on the subject. Then I understood it was normal. It's just that no one talked about it. There's so much pressure to be happy--an insane amount of pressure--that expressing any emotion that is not of utter bliss is considered a reflection on the relationship. It's confusing and frustrating. So, you learn to hold that bit back. Honestly, I think that's the reason why brides get the reputation that they do. You're simply not supported in processing those feelings because you're not supposed to have them. The "And they lived happily ever after. The End." sign has dropped in front of the screen. It's time for the singing birds, the Queen Crown, and the dancing in the forest.[2]

The process is different for men, by the way. They gain status during weddings where women lose status. Mythology and psychology have a lot of overlap. If you look at the mythological tales[4], women virtually vanish from story until they reappear as the crone. Whereas males are spoken of and written about during all phases of their lives. 

Mind you, a vast chunk of my brain doesn't buy in this crap that a woman's worth is tied to their appearance or their value as a commodity that men barter over. I hate that aspect of our culture with every fiber of my being, and yet, there it is: in my programming. I have to accept it. Denial would only lead in worse directions. Knowing it's there is half the battle. (The rest is red and blue lasers, right?)

Anyway, I knew all that going in yesterday, but I wasn't prepared to get slammed with the rest of it--the transition that the mother of the bride goes through. That whole beginning of the end thing. The start of the transition from mother to crone. It doesn't officially happen until the bride has a child, mind you, but this is where it starts. Again, the woman is losing status. She's losing her child. It's another funeral. Mothers are invisible. What happens when you're not even that any more? You know, there's something to be said for white being a funeral color. Anyway, I suspect this is why the whole "happily ever after" aspect of weddings gets so blown out of proportion. In part, it's to distract you from your doom--either as mother of the bride or as the bride. It's why I sense a certain level of hysteria and desperation. It's why I wanted to puke every time they rang those stupid bells at David's Bridal to signify that a bride had found her Perfect Dress(tm)--as if an angel had earned her wings.

Mind you, this croning stage is also the place where women (unlike men) gain power and that's something I keep trying to express to my sister. Older women may be no longer valued as a commodity for men, and traditionally ignored. However, there's a lot of freedom in being over-looked. Older women are no longer tied to their children and can discover themselves in ways that weren't possible before. Also, one doesn't have to care about everyone thinks because, hey, no one is judging. (At least, not in the same way as before.) And a number of women don't even care then. (Me included.) Because, honestly, why allow this crap to trap you? Life is complicated enough without that baggage too.

And now we'll take a right turn at Allbuquerque al la Bugs Bunny.[5] Mythologically speaking, I don't think it's as simple as mapping male stories onto female characters. Women aren't men with boobs. We have our own life-paths--even as warriors.[6] And honestly, I think that's another reason why the current trend of Strong Female Character(tm) bothers me. Either they're firmly entrenched in Maiden As Value to Straight Male fantasy, or they're being mapped onto a male story. I suspect something else is the answer. What that is, I just don't know, but perhaps I'll take Kathleen out on a adventure in my Fey and the Fallen series one day and find out. She is a middle aged character, after all. I may fail to find my way with her, but I think it's worth trying. That's the lovely thing about a series. You're free to venture onto other paths that you can't do with a stand alone. In a stand alone fantasy, there's so much world-building to do. You know? 
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[1] My niece is getting married this summer. For the record, I like the guy she's marrying. I think they've a chance at making the long haul together as a team. Unfortunately, her father wasn't the best example of human being--let alone a man. Mind you, he didn't physically abuse anyone, but that's a very low bar on the expectations scale of what makes a good man, if you ask me. So, I can't help worrying for her.

[2] Thinking on it, this maps rather closely to another transition: aspiring dreamer to life-goal-achiever. I went through a similar phase when I became a published author. The awards nominations elongated the phase a bit, but I still went through the depression and confusion. What did I have to be unhappy about? Haven't I just gotten everything every aspiring writer wants?[3] I think one tends to go through that pattern when one achieves any meaningful goal in life.

[3] Except for the boatloads of money. For some dumb reason we all expect that, and it just doesn't happen. There's a reason why the starving artist is a stereotype.

[4] And no, I won't qualify my statement as being strictly American or even Western because I've yet to discover a culture that ventures into women's stories between the Wedding(tm) and full on Crone(tm). The mother is in there, but we don't talk about her much. She doesn't exist as a distinct person. She's in the background, waving goodbye to our hero at best. She's the harpy making the life of the king impossible at worst. Invisibility is even more in force when the woman in question doesn't have children and/or isn't married. OMG, don't get me started on the Spinster(tm).

[5] I am a storyteller after all. I can't help thinking of things in terms of story.

[6] Disagree? I suggest watching Courage Under Fire.